Favorites

So, now that we’re safely home and into super-extra-boring, money-saving-lifestyle mode, it’s time to reflect and discuss The Trip which we’ve just disengaged from and get down to the nitty gritty. We were traveling Europe for four months; what were the highlights?

It’s true that I took over 5,000 pictures, a couple dozen horribly choreographed videos, and spent an inordinate amount of time scouring the internet for the best deals on a hostel in our next location. But amongst all the grimy hotel rooms and mediocre restaurants, there were some serious bright spots. Not to make our trip sound terrible or anything, I just like to be sarcastic. You should know this by now. Anyhow, I’ve thought long and hard about what I found to be the very best experiences from our extensive trip (that is to say I’m trying to remember what the heck happened) and I thought I’d tell you a bit about it.

Let’s start with the obvious: best locations. We traveled to over 27 cities in 15 countries in the span of 3 ½ months and I would say that my very favorite cities were (in no particular order):

1)Hallstadt, Austria: Gorgeous, tiny lakeside village tucked into the Austrian mountainside. Peaceful, old-fashioned, and seemingly straight out of a fairy tale.
2) Prague, Czech Republic: Urban yet clean, tourist-oriented yet charming, beautiful and fun, Prague is an unexpected treasure in the ex-communist territory of eastern Europe.
3) London, England: Classic, metropolitan, chock full of history, monuments, and other silly English things. The “on the beaten track” part of Europe that will still never be boring to me.
4) Edinburgh, Scotland: Extremely simple city with all the necessities of the big boys but with less fuss and bustle. If the weather were better I may have never left.
5) Paris, France: Just a fine city over all, Paris didn’t hold true to any of the stupid clichés that I had expected. Impressive with its hard-hitting sights but still quaint and unique on a micro scale as well.
6) Cinque Terre, Italy: The amazingly old-fashioned Disneyland-style villages that you might see in an Olive Garden commercial even though Olive Garden certainly has no roots here. Painfully rustic but immensely beautiful and relaxing.

Other favorites include Salzburg (Austria), Dublin, Rome, and Florence. It really is hard to choose, there were just so many places with plenty to appreciate, each with a pointed uniqueness that makes them hard to compare to each other. Plus, it's a really subjective thing to say "I liked this city" or the opposite since each person's experiences are different and we were only in each of these places for a few days, you know?

Do you really want to know something though? Do you want to know which places we went that I liked the least? Of course you do, here you go:

1)Vienna, Austria: Way too much glamor for not much actual substance. If I want to shop I’ll go to Paris, people, you gotta have something cool to show me.
2) Berlin, Germany: I think it’s actually a really cool city but we were a bit overwhelmed by the confusion and underwhelmed by the explanation of the sights. I would certainly try again though.
3) Amsterdam, Netherlands: Dirty, low-life, deep fried. That’s how we saw Amsterdam. Not Holland’s best side I don’t think. Next destination please.
4) Belfast, Northern Ireland: Not really a bad city but just a bit dreary and not a whole lot to do. Pretty dang cold and rainy too, at least when we were there. They’re up and coming though, watch them for the future.

What else? South-west Germany was the prettiest landscapes, Budapest's baths were the most uniquely fun activity, London felt most like home*, Paris had the best pastries, Italians were the nicest people. Although, interestingly, New Yorkers are pretty nice too. But I might be cutting them extra slack since I was so happy to finally be in my own country again.

Universal truths in the First World: Starbucks and McDonald's. Additionally: Asian people own gift shops and Middle Eastern people sell things on the sidewalks. I'm not stereotyping them, they do it to themselves, I swear. Also, Che Guevara paraphernalia is the most ubiquitous souvenir item in all of Europe. You can get a Che Guevara magnet in any major city in Europe, that is what I have learned. There are also Che playing cards, pens, t-shirts, post cards, or thimbles** which you can also buy just about anywhere. Thank goodness for capitalism and thank you Che for somehow managing to be the latest poster boy for it, even though I'm pretty sure you spent your entire life fighting against exactly that.

Since we've gotten back we keep being asked, "So what was your favorite part of your travels?". This questions is too broad - can you please specify slightly so that I don't go on and on with a response? Even "What was your favorite city in Europe" or "What did you most like about Australia" or "Are French people actually stinky" would be easier for me. Either way, if you're reading this, you've already had some of these questions answered so the point is a bit moot.

Eat, sleep, walk, carry, think, dodge, and of course spend. That was the name of the game for the past 4-5 months and, though it was great, I'm glad it's over. It is rather exhausting living out of a suitcase, always having to plan the next few days of your life, and never staying in one place long enough to make good friends, develop a favorite hang out spot, or eat home-cooked food. Not that it wasn't worth it - it totally was - but these are the things that you don't really consider when you dreamily envision traveling the globe. But they do compound quickly when you're away from home for more than a week or so.

Anyway, I'm apparently rambling, so, I'll stop here. If you have any questions (if anyone still reads this) I'd be happy to post a response in the comments. Or, god forbid, you could speak to me in real life about it. But no pressure there, I know it's a lot of commitment to make a phone call, that's why I don't just do it. =)

*It was pretty much no contest - they speak English and they have black people, so that's as close to CA as you're gonna get in Europe and that's all there is to it.
**Ok, I may be making up the whole Che thimbles thing, that probably doesn't exist. Che baby spoons though, for sure.

Che photo courtesy of the internet. Thank you internet.

Motel 6

Ok, I’ve been distracted. This blog is supposed to be for our epic world travels, but, I’ve recently had an experience and have nowhere else to deposit my mindless ravings. And after all, this is indeed related to travel. So, let’s get to it.

On Wednesday Kane and I made a trip down to San Luis Obispo to see some friends and pet our excessively grumpy cat. I hadn’t really thought it would be a particularly special trip but it really turned out to be. We only stayed one night, but it was like a true homecoming for Kane and me. Not to say that coming home to the Bay wasn’t, but we really had an established life down in SLO before heading overseas and reconnecting with the people we saw daily was different than just coming home to family. Family has to love you no matter when you come home; our SLO crew doesn’t have to give a crap if they don’t want to. But they do and boy are there some fine folks down there. We met up with our old Woods friends (and brought the doggies some presents), had a volleyball reunion with our old crew (they’ve gotten to be amazing players, by the way), were reminded how big of an attitude our cat has, were finally introduced to Eric’s new special lady, and were treated to sushi* by Thom and the old Ella Street gang. We were truly in high spirits.

And in harmony with our super reunions was a glorious place that I had previously taken for granted. I had written her off as just a crappy motel for people who were too cheap to stay at the Embassy Suites or the Comfort Inn (i.e. me and my family) and completely overlooked how extremely and superbly clean and adequate Motel 6 is. Yep, Motel 6. I do not use the word "adequate" in an insulting way at all - on the contrary - I use it to describe exactly what the word means: "as much or as good as necessary for some requirement or purpose; fully sufficient". Fully sufficient - exactly.

In five months of traveling, I honestly tell you that this is exactly what we were looking for. We wanted the basics for as cheap as possible. 1) The room is a reasonable size: not "spacious" but more than enough room for two persons to move around and access their luggage. 2) The bathroom is a reasonable size: again, not large but big enough that you're not required to shower, pee and wash your hands all from the same spot. 3) It's clean: crisp sheets, painted walls, vacuumed floors, spotless bathroom - is it really that much to ask? 4) It's sufficiently quiet: no overbearing nearby common areas and decent separations between rooms/floors. And, with all that, can it still be cheap? It can indeed, says Motel 6.

It doesn't sound that difficult to find a place that has a bare-bones room for a low price, believe you me, it is. You're either in a b&b or a decent motel for (easily) over $100/night or you're in a hostel of questionable character for about half that (or more). And even if you find a good deal, you end up sorting through a zillion tripadvisor.com reviews trying to tell who's got the "real" insight into the place and second guessing your choice the whole way though.

Motel 6 offers consistency. They're clean, they have 24 hour reception desks, they have freaking custom made Motel 6-themed bedspreads. It's nothing special and I don't need it to be for $41/night. I ask for "reasonable", "adequate" and "cheap" and, by George, Motel 6 leaves the light on for me**.

*Oh good god, we’ve been waiting so long for some California sushi…sorry Australia, it’s just not the same.

**I should be getting paid for this promo crap, shouldn't I?

Sky Mall

I kid you not when I tell you that the Sky Mall catalog was my in flight entertainment all the way back from New York to California. Kane and I had separate flights (he flew to Seattle) and there were no personal TVs on Delta's finest (surprise). Fortunately, we customers are granted something far more exciting than a choice between Two and a Half Men and Journey to the Center of the Earth; the Sky Mall catalog provides more than just useless crap to the people who have everything.

I honestly spent hours just flipping the pages of this magazine, happily skipping over the opportunity to review the emergency procedures for a Boeing 747. If we're going down, I don't think my knowledge of the proper crash sitting position will help much; I'm sure kicking and screaming will suffice, no further research is required. But Sky Mall, however, did deserve my attention. I read description after colorful description for completely ridiculous and utterly useless goods (and services!). My Stephanie Meyer book would have wait; the literature in the Sky Mall catalog could not be ignored.

I think the best way to convey to you my feelings on the many items offered in the Sky Mall catalog is just to pick a select few and review them with you. Like any retailer of fine goods, Sky Mall is also fully available online, god bless them. Let's get started.

Do you love the crust of a home-baked cake? Are you tired of putting up with slices of a homemade chocolate brownie that don't have the delicious crunchy edges? Well, you need suffer no longer, Sky Mall offers the Edge Baking Pan: a pan with a snake shaped void so that every piece of your baked goods has at least two yummy crispy sides*!
Next up is another kitchen-oriented item that can save you time and paper! Oh, well maybe not paper since it can also print - this is a Voice Recognition Grocery List Maker. I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of the simplicity and ease of writing my grocery list on any scrap of paper laying around. I have been waiting for a device to wrestle with such that this inane task can be turned into something adequately high-tech and complicated. I mean, you can even manage two separate lists simultaneously on this device! I wonder if they provide technical support when you go insane from using it?
Still in the kitchen but moving to the pantry, I pose this quandary to you: Are you overweight but you freaking love cookies? Well, have I got the diet for you! This is the Hollywood Cookie Diet that lets you eat as many cookies as you want and still lose weight! Nevermind that you need to eat a cookie instead of a meal and that these aren't just any cookies, they are "packed with fiber, protein and 13 essential vitamins and minerals" so I bet they're only slightly less delicious than mom's. But, it says that Debbie lost 5 pounds in 3 days, so it must work, right?
Let's move now to your watch management strategy. What, you don't have any form of watch management currently operating in your life? Shame on you. Fortunately, Sky Mall is here to help. To prevent you from drowning in the sea of watches you no doubt own and have flung carelessly all over your home and office, SM offers the very civilized and sleek Watch Storage Case. Stop losing watch after watch every day and instead catalog them by color and date purchased in your new extremely unnecessary organizer! Anal retentiveness not included.
Into the bedroom - oh la la: do you lay on your bed at night, trying to read a book or do your taxes and you are just profoundly uncomfortable? And yet you don't want to acquire any more pillows or simply move to into a nearby chair? Well, SM offers an item for you - an extremely bulky yet only marginally more comfortable Superior Comfort Bed Lounger. You know it's good when they had to put the words "superior comfort" in the title. After that, the thing just sells itself!
Are you cheesy? Do you think really ridiculous and childish things are neat? Are you a redneck? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be interested in these new Superman Returns Cufflinks. Because even though SM is fairly certain that anyone with the desire (read: nerve) to wear these most certainly would never be wearing a suit, they sell them with a bold face anyway! Clever, Sky Mall, very clever.
Now, do you like the president? Maybe you voted for him and the day he won was the best day of your life. Maybe you cut out every article in every magazine and newspaper pertaining to Mr. Obama and his family and you keep a scrapbook as if he were your own dear son. If President-stalking is your style, you may be interested in this framed artist's sketch of The First Couple. Sky Mall understands that sometimes you just need to be closer to someone famous, even when the police just don't get it. Now the Obamas can grace your mantle or bedroom wall, replacing many of your actual relatives who just aren't as pretty or interesting.
As a refreshing interlude, let's explore some of the "health and wellness" items on offer at SM. These are some of the most entertaining products, I have to say. The massage section alone provides nearly endless comedic fodder. For example, the Head Spa Massager looks like an item direct out of the movie Tron. "For all your futuristic head-gear needs. Borg laser eye-sight sold separately."

Then there's the Vibrating Head Massager, which, except for the picture of the woman ecstatically demonstrating the item, one would have no idea what to do with this thing. Looks a bit like something out of War of the Worlds or the little gadgets that chase people in Fahrenheit 451. I'm gonna not put that near my head, thank you very much.

Another massage must-have on SM is the Mobile Massage System which not only looks like an attacking amoeba-like space alien, but the product description appears to be for another item altogether. Not really selling it here, guys. Though I'm sure, gauging from all the other spectacular items for sale, it's top notch.
One more self-improvement item is the Endless Pool Swimming Machine. We've all seen these advertised on infomercials and I don't even think they're too terrible of an idea, but I just cannot imagine making a $21,000 purchase from the Sky Mall catalog. Seriously, not my first choice of places to buy my high-end never-to-be-used exercise equipment. But maybe that's just me.

And now for my favorite health and wellness item and perhaps my overall favorite SM catalog item: The Personal Infrared Sauna! This gem of an invention uses "in-floor radiant heat to help improve the immune system by increasing the blood flow, starting at the feet". It improves your immune system to sit in a particleboard box in your living room - who would have guessed! And as an added bonus, you do not look at all ridiculous assembling or using this miracle in modern technology! I do hope they include instructions to help you get in and out of the thing; it doesn't exactly look user friendly. It does look a little like something the Nazis may have used, but maybe I'm just being outrageous.
Ok, so you weren't sold by the massage amoeba or the sauna box, but have a look at this item. What do you get for the person who has everything - it's an age old question, right? Well, how about an Executive Health Evaluation?! From what I can tell, this is a $3,500 doctor's visit. Granted, it's a "5-star treatment" at one of their "beautiful, contemporary centers", but I'm really not seeing how this can cost so much. Oh, I see, maybe because "benefits may include: decreased risk of age-related disease, improved muscle tone, and sharper thinking"? I'm pretty sure eating an apple may include these benefits also, but I'm no doctor. Start forking out the cash, friend.

So what if this "person who has everything" is smart, maybe a bit geeky? You're pretty sure they won't use the exercise equipment and they won't appreciate the Superman cufflinks (what a shame!). Maybe they have an entire wall of their house just empty and waiting for something heinously huge and non-artistic to fill the void? In that case, the Largest Crossword Puzzle in the world might do the trick. I've just gotten really bored of crossword puzzles that were on normal sized paper that can be completed in manageable setting. I'm pretty sure I want to adorn my home or office with an oversized tribute to my intellectual superiority and to stand in front of this shrine day after day to complete a puzzle which no mere mortal could finish. I am great and I would like all the friends I don't have to make note of this when I don't invite them over to my house. Nice khaki pants, crossword puzzle model man, and good choice at turning your face away from the camera.
Ok, you could see how I could go on and on here. This catalog just provides so much amusement that I just could not contain myself. I was going to continue with discussions of the Skyrest Travel Pillow, which, though it is actually quite a practical solution, would be hilarious to see on an airplane (see the picture on the link). Or the A Christmas Story Leg Lamp, for the dude who's way too obsessed with that movie to the point of being creepy about it. Or the baffling 6 Piece Puzzle Mat, because a regular roll-up mat is just too uncool. This catalog is just chock full of ridiculousness and it's freaking great.

Side note - if you happen to own any of the items that I have mocked, please do not take offense. I actually thought twice about buying the Marshmallow Shooter because I firmly believe that marshmallows should have the capacity to be projected across any given space at any given moment. We all have and love ridiculous things, it's ok to laugh about it. I mean, someone's gotta buy this stuff right?

*Kane actually wants one of these, he hates the undercooked center of a brownie.
Note: All photos courtesy of the Sky Mall website: www.skymall.com