Itching

It has been over a week since Kane and I went to the beach and received well-deserved yet unfortunate sunburns. We spent the following four days without leaving the house at all. I realize that this doesn't deviate from our standard schedule as much as it perhaps should, however, it was awful nonetheless. We were in significant pain the first few days - neither of us could sleep any other way than on our backs, underwear was the only welcome clothing, and Kane even opted to take Advil to ease the pain a couple times. Needless to say it was terrible and we won't do it again.

For the past few days we have found that the pain has mostly subsided and that we are peeling. We used an inordinate amount of aloe lotion on these burns, but alas, a couple layers of skin are so irreparably unhappy with us that they are leaving despite our efforts to make amends. I don't really blame them, but I'm still sad to see them go. Not because of the ridiculously uneven tan that I'm giving up, but rather because it's just really annoying.

I remember peeling being fun when I was a kid, and a small amount of that joy did manage to make it through to this episode of skin loss. However, I had forgotten about the initial and continuing symptom that plagues a peeling sunburn: itching. No, the title of this post was not some artistic metaphor for our need to really get out and explore the land or something; we're not that cool so you should just stop hoping that we are. Itching, you think, isn't really that bad - either scratch or don't and then it goes away. Firstly, I'm a scratcher and Kane's not, so that added tension floating around my sunburn doesn't really help. Secondly, I don't know how he doesn't scratch because my itching is something out of a horror movie: it stalks me, wakes me in the night, plagues my dreams and waking thoughts. It is all-consuming. Maybe it has something to do with me being a huge baby in general, but I have never itched so badly and it must be scratched.

Not to mention that I'm not really happy with the entire purpose of the itching. As I understand it, the itch of a sunburn is our body's way of encouraging us to get this dead layer of skin off our bodies. It is an instinctive stimulus and we respond in kind by aiding this molting process. Now, I understand this natural function of human evolution, however, I think it's out of date by a few thousand years. I am no longer a Neanderthal that needs a whole cause and effect situation to do what needs to be done with this sort of thing. It's not like having pain receptors or feeling hunger or something - things that actually let me know, or at least confirm, something previously unknown about my body. No self respecting, opposable thumbed human can avoid - neigh resist - peeling off skin that has formed a neat little "pull here" tab. And even if you could, or, god forbid, the skin was peeling somewhere unreachable (and I thought my burn was bad...), I'm pretty sure it will just come off in the shower or in your typical daily movin' and shakin'. So what's the big deal with itching; it's unnecessary and bothersome and I don't appreciate it. I am submitting this complaint to the god of human evolutionary changes, I think there's an office just downtown. I am also submitting to have people stop having bad eye sight - there's no point anymore, we have glasses, contact lenses, and Lasik; you're not weeding anyone out anymore.

So, I've scratched and scratched and I'm still itchy but now with irritated skin. I've tried not scratching, hoping the itch would take the "I'm not home right now, so go away" hint, but it just persists like the most hard core, knowing-you're-hovering-behind-the-peephole Jehovah's Witness ever to approach your front porch. The only upside is the rare but coveted occasion when the skin does actually decide it's time to depart from the body and Kane and I can compete to see who can get the most gigantic single piece of peeled skin from their torso. Now that's some good old fashioned fourth grade fun. I think I'm in the lead for largest chunk of skin, but he's certainly winning for most overall skin lost. His sunburn damage traversed significantly more body area than mine did, but mine was highly concentrated in an awful spot: the "seam" of skin connecting boob to stomach - very harsh. It may be part of the reason that my skin seems to be suffering more (I'm on round two of peeling); that area is not only really sensitive and (obviously) never sees the sun, but it's also being constantly irritated with each slight bob of my chest. Good times.

Basically, next time we go outside for a prolonged period of time and/or with less-than decent amounts of clothing on (why can't we all just go to the beach in t-shirts and shorts anyway?), we're sunscreening up our entire bodies directly after showering. Why try to anticipate every little crevice that the sun will make it into - we clearly need to cover any and all crevice-like areas of our respective (but not necessarily respectable) bodies. Sun, you are not an enemy, but you are a dangerous friend and we can no longer permit you to just hang around without us preparing properly to see you, similar to being around, say, a rattlesnake or Fran Drescher. We're watching you...(scum).