Toilets

I feel that, to some extent, one can judge a country based on their restrooms. China, you're not getting good marks from me.

It's prevalent in Southeast Asia, in my experience and verified by the internet, to have squat toilets as the standard waste receptacle found in public places. If you have never had the pleasure to see or use one of these toilets, thank your lucky stars.

I've done the squat in Thailand, in Japan (in public parks and places that weren't hotels and the like), and now China. It's a truly wonderful way to experience the richness of the Chinese culture. So much so, that I make a b-line for the handicap toilet wherever possible since the Chinese allow the convenience of a "Western" toilet only to those who are physically challenged, apparently.

Whatever, I'll take it. Let's discuss the makings of a good squat toilet restroom.

1. The entire restroom must smell like hell. Think of an outhouse at the County Fair at the end of a long, hot Saturday. The toilets flush, so I have no idea why this is the case. Alas, breathe through your mouth.

2. There is no toilet paper offered in any of the stalls. As in, there is no receptacle for toilet paper; it's not just that they're all out. Sometimes there's a central roll of toilet paper at the entrance near the hand driers that you need to make sure to consult before you make your way to the toilet. Otherwise, you better bring a little packet of tissues or learn to wiggle really well (ladies only, of course).

3. No hooks or ledges are provided in which to place any purses or belongings. Good luck.

4. There are no handles to hold onto as you make the attempt to straddle a porcelain hole in the ground with your pants simultaneously confining any movement of your lower legs while discreetly obstructing the view of whatever it is you're peeing on (listen for the tinkle; you don't want to hit your shoes). I'm not sure what kind of gymnastics habitually occur in these stalls as I watch people ages five to 95 walk in, but it must be magical.

5. Sink faucets are habitually intermittent and often out of order (with no signage to indicate this, of course), there is rarely hand soap available, and the hand driers are as powerful as a cat's yawn. Honestly, this isn't terribly different to that which can be found in American public bathrooms.

I will say the one upside is that the Chinese are good about public restroom availability. While they are not fun to use, they are everywhere. And I would rather pee in a hole in the ground in an enclosed room rather than in my pants on the street. So, there's that.

Also, I have only been forced to actually use a squat toilet one time on this trip (oddly, it was a (faux) gold-plated one in a night club -- go figure); otherwise I've always been able to either snag the handicap stall, wait for the hotel or Jon's house, or creep into a Starbucks/McDonald's. And don't even get me started on the logistics of trying to do a #2 on one of these things... some things are best left unknown.

But get this: Jon said that when he was traveling in Malaysia last year, they saw regular Western toilets with footprints on the seat. Like, people (and not just one person, it was, like, ingrained footprints) get up on the toilet seat so they can squat-pee into the toilet. While I cannot understand that, I can understand the need for familiarity. If squatting is comfortable to these people, more power to them. I am just fine with my good old American Standard, thank you very much.