The Long and Winding Road...

...to Pai. We made the trip to Pai today via minibus with 10 other people. It was a truly epic journey. We fought off countless foes, weaved through mountain and jungle, and escaped deftly from the reaches of evil. Though our bodies were broken, our spirits were not and we prevailed against the journey's numerous and extensive challenges.

Warning: the following story is graphic in nature. Please be advised and only read on if you are prepared to handle the grossness. I am not holding anything back - and that is not a pun.

Ok, the real story. Our tour book warned us of a "windy" road, as in very curvy, not like has lots of wind. And it was right! We drove for about a half hour on straight, regular roads out of Chiang Mai and then began our ascent up this monster mountain that was paved with the most gnarly curved road I have ever been on. Fortunately, our driver has driven this road before, and was extremely practiced - nay an expert - on driving as fast and jerky as possible. This is a 5 speed manual transmission Toyota minivan and he worked it to it's limit driving it like a race car. I start to get carsick just after 11am. We had left at 9:45, so I had been doing well, but we were still not even halfway there. Just before I was going to ask the driver to pull over, we stopped for a break at a rest stop. We rested for about 20 minutes, but I knew I was in trouble. Kane was feeling badly too, but he was doing better that I was - though he sympathizes since he is typically very prone to motion sickness as well.

So we get back in the car and keep going at lightening speeds around countless miles of curved road. The people behind me are actually reading books. It is unfathomable to me how anyone cannot get sick on this road in these conditions, much less read a book. So unfair. Probably 10 minutes later I decide that I need to pull over. What I didn't know (and I wish they had told me), is the procedure for throwing up on the bus. We don't stop. I assume that's because if we did, we would have been an hour or more late to our destination because one other lady and I were not doing well. There are little plastic bags for you to throw up in, similar to the ones on an airplane. I did not know of these little bags and one was only handed to me after I had thrown up in my own two hands - the only container I had available at the time. Kane opens the window and I toss the contents out, spilling a drop on my jeans and a few onto the inside of the door. Yeah, souvenirs. I hang my dripping hands out of the window until we actually do pull over (the driver asked "do you still want to pull over?", I wanted to hit him) at which point I rinse my hands with water. Water does not get barf off your hands, just to let you know. It gets the three dimensional chunks off when your rub your hands together, but there is still a nice film of sick on you and it smells like hell. I told you I was going to be graphic, it makes me feel better about it. And you know, I figure, how often do you barf on yourself in your lifetime, right? Probably once, maybe twice if you're lucky? I see it as having a once in a lifetime experience.

So, we continue on, and I am really hoping that I haven't offended anyone too badly with the display and the smell, etc. I can't decide what's better: to lie back with my eyes closed or try futilely to watch the road ahead from the 2nd row of seats. I try both, neither works. Kane is watching the road intently from the front row, unable to take his eyes off the road lest he get sick. I proceed to throw up 3 more times into little plastic bags, which Kane took from me each time and held onto until his hands cramped and we arrived in Pai. At least the bags held. I can remember one of the times I'm dry heaving into a plastic bag (I'm actually laughing as I write this because it's so ridiculous) as we are passing a big rig on the wrong side of the road around a 180 degree turn at like 35 miles an hour. It was like a goddamn roller coaster. I don't think I've ever felt so motion sick in my life.

Which got me thinking of all the times I've been motion sick. There have been countless mild carsick rides where my stomach hurts and it takes a half hour to shake off. I have yacked up Ramen noodles on Old Priest Grade going up to my Grandpa's cabin. I had to sit with my head down on a table for hours on a fishing boat with Yolanda. Then there's the fair rides: the teacups, the ferris wheel on crack that goes horizontally, and the spaceship. The spaceship is one that is especially close to my heart - this is the ride that places like Great America and Six Flags have too much dignity to offer; you will only find it at the county fair. It's a circular metal saucer that has walls bowed out on the inside that you lean against while the thing spins like a washing machine. The centripetal force squishes you to the exterior of the spaceship to the point where you can't even raise an arm or leg. Fun but requires some serious recovery time. Anyway, those were some of my millions of thoughts during this endeavor.

What actually bothers me most about being carsick is not the sickness itself, which in my case, can't really be avoided. It's not being able to barf on your own terms. When you're sick, you want to take care of it with as much dignity and as little mess as possible. I want to pull over, take some time, get some air, wash our my mouth, then continue on. I was quickly re-prioritizing after I realized that this was not going to happen, like you do when there's an emergency. First you're concerned about normal things like how you don't want to get messy and how you should conceal yourself from others to save them and your own dignity. By the end I was considering wiping my mouth and hands on my sweatshirt and I could basically not care less about the poor guy next to me as I heaved my final round in plain sight. I'm really looking forward to the return trip on Thursday...

We arrive in Pai at 1pm and sit for about a half an hour trying to gather ourselves. I dump the bags of barf in the bathroom and wash my hands with soap - thank god. Kane is shaking and I am exhausted. Welcome to Pai, it better be a goddamn paradise.